maybe i am one of those “trust issues,” though i’m not even sure where it all began. perhaps, it was triggered by the unpleasant experience that pilled up over time. trust is difficult thing for me, unlike others who find it easy to just believe without needing extra validation and verification like i do. sometimes people get angry at me because i have difficulty trusting and label me as a complicated. but never mind, i would rather stay quiet than explain my reasons to them.
life has felt different ever since these trust issues appeared. there are joys and opportuniities i could have if i were more open to thers, but the disadvantages feel heavier and make me withdraw. atleast these trust issues help in certain situations, like sorting out what should or shouldnot be shared.
‘have you tried to heal yourself?’, if you asked me that, i would say no. i have not. i still dont have a clear clue or a strong reason to start. sometimes i even wonder whether this truly is an issue or if im simply getting better at self control.
one time, an engineer asked me some questions about my life. he said he wanted to understand me better so our chemistry could grow. his words touched me because they felt sincere. but at the same time, i felt uncomfortable, searching for the best answer that would not reveal too much personal information. from time to time, that conversation still appears in my mind makes me wonder, “am i overreacting by hiding my information or am i right?”
he also said i seemed like an introvert, and i was not sure what to think. “what?” was all i said. he advised me to be more open to thers. whenever people ask something, i usually answer indirectly. it feels strange, because i rarely lie, but sometimes i feel like i have to. what the engineer did is the same thing others often do: the cliche advice, “you should be more open so the answer will be cleaer for your problems.” i wish they knew how i feel. it s not as simple as they think.
on the other hand, i also feel weird when my friends talk about topics i consider personal or secret in front of many people. the more they share, the more confused i become. sometimes i walk away because i cant handle the bizarre feeling. i feel the same when someone shares their story with new people. my mind always produces questions like, “are not you afraid someone might take advantage of that?” and similar thoughts.
this year, i started writing agian on my personal blog after being semi-retired for three years. back when i was still in high school. doing it again feels like one of the sweetest things i’ve felt in a long time. also, paying for klanadestin.org became a form of commitment, so i feel guilty if idont write at least once a month, haha.
you might ask why i stopped writing before. the reason is that i did not fele secure about my stories after posting them. i realized that my messy thoughts are not for everyone. what is the point of writing if i have to choose which parts of myself i should remove? mistakes are part of the process, even if not everyone is comfortable with that.
because of that, i sometimes feel strange when i hear people share things i think should not be told in front of many others or when i read personal stories on someone blog that dont seem meant for public access.
during that time, i only sent my writing to a friend i considered exceptional. but i can’t do that forever. slowly, i started gathering the courage to write again. it’s not easy, but i have to try.