i'm happy to go out like this if happy is the word

“death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live”

– norman cousins

i had a conversation with my secret world, where i added “gpt” (similar to chatgpt) to her last name because i’ve been learning a lot from her. after everything she went through, i asked, ‘do you sincerely accept everything, even though you never wanted to do that?’ she told me, ‘yeah, i do. because i can’t do anything more except accept it.’ at that moment, my heart was touched and i smiled when i heard that. i tried to understand her. how long will it take to become strong and steadfast like her was my question. i stopped asking because i did not want her to get hurt.

wish i could do the same. however, there is something blocking me.

when i was a teenager, i read a lot documents about being yourself, idealism, and staying true. these ideas usually appeared in the independent scene where most people: made something sincerely, told the truth even though it was hard, and cared about everything deeply. no wonder i’m very passionate about independent stuff. you rarely see those things outside them nowadays. instead, you see people justify anything, hating each other, and so on. what a cruel world.

these ideas shaped me you know me as well. fight for something, no matter how hard it is. no one can stop me. even if i’m denied, i will fight until there is no chance anymore. that means i will not give up. morever, lying has always been hard for me. sometimes i even felt tortured when i had to doit. besides that, i prefer truth over feelings. that is why you might call me a naive and stubborn person.

try opening our high school graduation book and look at my section. there is a quote that says, “berontaklah di setiap keterbatasan. hidup bukan sekadarnya.” another world is possible, i believe it. i forgot where i got the quote, but it should be from Morgue Vanguard. the quote really changed my mind and kept me always doing something in the situation i never desired.

however, some of those things are just memories since i can’t do them the way i used to. after the high school graduation, my life will never be the same. i started to realize and understand everything with an unusual perspective. not like before when i was usually unaware, did not care, and had a you-only-life-once madness. indeed, ignorance is bliss, as the people said.

once i sent a message to my friend: ‘living the life i never wanted is kind of hard.’ i was struggling for long time. did a awful thing. lied because it was forced to. the worst part is i had to let go my dreams and lost many opportunities. it gets more hurt if facebook’s memories feature shows my old footage when i was still involved.

sometimes i hate myself for ending up as a loser. i never resisted. i even started to believe ‘dont be idealistic. this is how life works’. pain, really. where are the ideas i have been holding on to? they could no beat the reality. that never happened before, whereas. the old me would be shocked if knew my current condition. like my friend, i had no idea and ways to escape.

have you wondered why i complaint about all of that and does it matter? probably, i could let these ideas go or bury them. follow what folks do, even though it against our humanity, but it would be replaced by money or position. some of my friends already did it and i saw their life was truly amazing.

but in reality, until now, i still cant do it. is not sad to live for a long time, or even forever, believing and doing something that goes against our true selves? is not it better to keep looking for another way or fighting rather than being a loser and sucking hopium that this is indeed destiny? is not an alternative world possible?

all i can do now is accept everything. still, a part of me wants to resist, i know i have to addapt. i’ve tried to make peace with it so far. even though in reality, the same and pain keep growing, while i keep asking why all this happened.

darkness will surely come, but not today.